Along the way…

I love the outdoors and I love the sun but I’ve never been much of a sun worshipper. Even as a teen I don’t recall spending nearly as much time working on my tan as the youth of today…and we had a decent ozone layer back then. Don’t get me wrong, I had my occasional teen moments of sun reflectors and iodine/baby oil/vinegar self-made suntan lotions but it was brief. I hated baking in the sun.

Maybe that’s why people always thought I looked younger than I was up until about age 45. Now, as I approach forty-thirteen, I sport every wrinkle I’ve earned. But that’s not where I intended to go with this story.

Back to the tan. I decided a few years ago, when heading off to a tropical vacation spot in the middle of winter, that maybe a brief stint with the tanning bed for that “base tan” might not be such a bad idea.  I mean fat probably looks better tan than it does pasty white anyway, right? I feel better camouflaged amongst all the tan hard-bodies on the beach that way too. Work with me here!

So where am I going with this? Well, I am leading up to telling you why I hit the tanning bed a few weeks ago before my upcoming winter vacation. In addition to camouflage, it works to prevent the serious sunburn one might experience if exposing pasty white skin to the tropical sun in mid-winter…or so goes my theory. Sure there are sunscreens, and I do use them,  but let’s not forget the camouflage effect the fake tan has.

I thought about the spray tan followed by sunscreen (probably my next experiment) but let’s get back to the tanning bed. Have you ever noticed how you can pick those tans out on the beach almost every time? The tan is just too even to be real. Then the person bends over and there it is….the telltale crease line. A small price to pay I suppose for a nice bronze glow…or is it?

As a fluffy person I have more than your average number of creases. There are the normal neck creases, arm pit creases, and the buttock-to-thigh creases. Fluffy people however have pendulous boob creases, abdomen creases, back roll creases…just to name a few. These begin to negate the effect of camouflaging yourself on the beach with a tan if not done properly.

Most people go to a tanning bed to relax for ten minutes under the lights and leave with hopes of a glowing tan. For me it is work. Hard work! For those ten minutes I am a rotisserie chicken!

Knowing the possible areas of crease lines I spend my time in the bed praying I don’t break the Plexiglas between me and the tanning bulbs as I turn, stretch, and rotate into various positions in hopes of a crease-less tan. I wonder if that can count towards my workout for that day? Afterall, I am sweating.

I’m not sure why I bother except that maybe I feel some sense of control. Face it, I am not going to lose 50 pounds in 2 weeks but I can have a tan. It’s not like I am going to get wrinkles from this…I already have THEM! I’m not advocating tanning beds. Surely they are not good for you but for me they help rid me of the winter doldrums and get me pumped up for that tropical vacation. They fool ME into thinking I blend in better with the crowd and it keeps the tanning bed lady in business. Is that so wrong?